If You Really Knew Me
by Johanna-002
Summary: Mia comes across her grandmother's diary… "One night there was a pair of scissors on the table next to me…I took them and cut a smooth line across the top of both of my thighs… I felt immediate relief… And then I felt the shame...I swore I'd never do it again... That was me 7 years ago." C/J. Please Read and Review! I am so sorry I keep re-posting- explanation for that inside!


**Title:** If You Really Knew me

**Summary:** Mia comes across her grandmother's diary… "One night there was a pair of scissors on the table next to me…I took them and cut a smooth line across the top of both of my thighs… I felt immediate relief… And then I felt the shame...I swore I'd never do it again... That was me 7 years ago." C/J.

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Princess Diaries, nor do I own Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement, I also do not own any of the Cast members. They belong to Meg Cabot and Disney & all of the other respectful owners. I do however own my writing, so please don't steal Johanna-002©.

I am so sorry I keep re-posting this story! 1st time- the link was glitchy and wouldn't go through. 2nd time- I didn't realize I posted the contents of my Mia story: "You Know My Name; Not my story" under this title and summary. So I am very truly sorry. I know you are all sick of getting this "New Story" update to this story. 

**_Read, Review, Subscribe, Add to Favs_**

-01-

Amelia eyed the diary on the table. As she sat down, she hesitantly reached for it.

It was unlocked.

With a deep breath and looking around reassuringly- hoping no one would catch her, she slowly opened the cover. As she skimmed the pages, a particular entry caught her eyes- it was dated to be written a week ago. Looking around to make sure she was still alone, she began to read.

"_Dear Diary, June 20, 2005_

_No one really knows who I am. Not truly. Only Joseph... Only Joseph knows the real me. He's the only one who see's past the crown. He's the only who knows my story.  
_

_But I'm tired of hiding... So here I go:  
_

_I'm Clarisse._

_I used to be your average person…_

_Happy_

_Not a worry in the world…_

**_Normal._**

_Then I started to notice things._

_I didn't have many friends…_

_My body wasn't perfect…_

_My face… Ew!_

_I had a lot of expensive things… _

_And a lot of money... _

_But money doesn't buy you happiness._

_I was different…_

_Very different,_

_I ignored it at first._

_Then people got to me…_

_Saying things… Mean things._

_It made me cry... **a lot.**_

_One night there was a pair of scissors on the table next to me…_

_I took them and cut a smooth line across the top of both of my thighs… I felt immediate relief. _

_And then I felt the shame..._

_I swore I'd never do it again..._

_That was me 7 years ago._

_The next year went by…_

**_No Cuts._**

_The year after things got harder…_

_My son passed away._

_I ignored all the pain I felt until it just got to be too much..._

_I cut again._

_I became extremely depressed… I wanted to die._

_My best-friend, Joseph, saved me._

_I **promised **my self "**never **again"…_

_That was the absolute hardest year of my life._

_A year later… I met my grand daughter…_

_She told me she hated me._

_People talked about me… about us._

_I wasn't fair to fair to her._

_I broke her…_ _I hurt her._

_Because of me, she was bullied even more… And not just at school._

_The high-class people I associated with would say awful things about the situation…_

_"She's ugly"_

_"She's weird"_

_"She's too skinny"_

_"She's not skinny enough"_

_It hurt both of us._

_She forgave me._

_I still can't seem to forgive my self._

_People said I was a horrible grandmother…_

_I just wanted to protect her from the evil our life-style impended.  
_

_I cut again… I still have only told one person…_

_Joseph._

_Then the nasty things we're said…_

_"... Just ignore her like you did before…"_

_"She will never be fit to rule…"_

_"She's not one of us..."_

_"Everybody's going to hate her..."_

_"You hated her for so long… Admit it..."_

_After such words had been spoken to me, I went crazy with guilt…_

_Cutting became an everyday thing... _

_I just wanted relief..._

_I wanted to **DIE.**_

_First and foremost I had hurt my granddaughter... And in general- many people… _

_Who would miss me?_

_Suicide? _

_I considered it… A lot..._

_But I couldn't let my granddaughter face the pain and degradation of the royal structure alone…_

_Especially not after I had caused it._

_Then my first real 'girl'-friend came along…_

_Darline.  
_

_I thought she changed me… She seemed to have understood me._

_But she just hid that part of me…_

_We went our separate ways._

_It was for the best…_ _even though I was devastated._

_Depression started coming back._

_I **didn't **cut though._

_All the while, he was sneaking into my heart…_

_Joseph._

_He makes me the happiest I've been._

**_EVER._**

_At times I still feel broken…_

_But he is always willing, and going out of his way to make me feel whole..._

_He makes me feel whole by just being with me and loving me._

_I've slipped up a few times…_

_He promises he'll always love me and stay by me._

_I still cry a lot..._

_His hugs make me feel better. _

_People still get to me..._

_He makes all the pain go away._

_I still feel worthless…_

_He makes me feel beautiful and important._

_When I feel useless and unwanted..._

_Joseph says he'll always need me. I believe him.  
_

_And when I feel horrible..._

_He makes me feel special._

_I was afraid that I'd hate myself forever…_

_He says I didn't have to…_

_He was right._

_I used to feel so alone…_

_He had wanted to marry me..._

_I wanted to marry him too!_

_But I couldn't…. Not at that moment in time…_

_I broke his heart and he left me…_

_I tried to stay strong._

_I wasn't very good at it…_

_But I tried._

_A few days later he came back! _

_Now we're married!_

_I'm so happy to be his wife!_

_I love him so much!_

_He has created a whole new person by just simply loving me._

_This is who I was…_

_Broken_

_A mess_

_Complicated_

_Misunderstood_

_Judged_

_Depressed_

_Weak… Fake._

_Now…_

_I'm happy_

_I don't cut_

_I'm a wife_

_I'm not depressed_

_I love life and I live it to the fullest._

_I'm a grandmother and a great- grandmother_

_I am forever strong and forever loved."_

**Author's Note:** Continue? Yes, No?


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